HER HUSBAND, HER WIFE

HER HUSBAND, HER WIFE

Judge Francis Okafor was irritated. Never being one to disguise his feelings, he was having a hard time keeping the building scowl from breaking the surface and appearing on his face or light glares in his beady eyes. He was going to be Sixty-seven in a few weeks. Had been made Judge in the twilight of his career. In the twilight of his health. He had just a few years left to the new official retirement age of Seventy.

Judge Francis's climb to being the Judge in the State High Court 8, had been an arduous one. He had been a magistrate for 10 years, until this movement to fill the vacant space in court 8, as the then Judge had passed. This was the principal reason the Judge easily became furious, when any Attorney addressed him as 'Your worship' in open court. That title reminded him of his many years of slaving away at the magisterial level. He was a High Court Judge now, to be called, 'My Lord'. Judge Francis had once committed an attorney to two nights in the State holding facility for referring to him as 'Your worship', three times while giving his opening address. 'Served him right', the Judge remarked to himself. None other had been so unlucky to be remanded but the Judge often made furious comments on such slips in his court.

Judge Francis was currently being irritated by his second least favorite thing. The attorney for the plaintiff was committing a cardinal sin in Judge Francis's book. Judge Francis adored the common law form and practice, as handed down by the Colonial British to the state and had been drawn to Law as an occupation and field of study. The young Francis adored colonial movies showing the polite but curt communication between the attorneys and the Judge on the bench. It was all so formal, serious and without unnecessary frills. He had fallen in love with  the long white wigs and dark robes, but had been most fascinated by references to the Judge, as 'my lord', by all that appeared in the court.

The plaintiff's attorney,barrister Joseph Nwosu began addressing the Judge once more. 'Meeeeeeeee Lorrrrrrrd', he drawled. The scowl broke out fully. What ever happened to good old , my lord? What was all this affected drawl and attempt to sound well- travelled? The Judge made a mental note to self, to address the attorneys in Chambers before the start of tomorrow's court session. 'Meee lorddd, I will like to submit my client's sworn affidavit of facts in reply to the respondent and cross-petitioner's petition', he said.

The Judge was shaken out of his reverie about the list of punitive measures he might invoke against the barrister for drawling his words. He looked at the affidavit in question, just handed him by the clerk of the court. His eyes were quickly drawn to response number 2. He chuckled to himself , suppressing it inside.

It read "the accusation is wholly false as the respondent/cross petitioner only cooked at will for the petitioner, and her will is most seldom". The Judge chuckled once more to himself. 'Welcome to my world, folks', he said to himself. The Judge was twenty years older than his wife of fifteen years standing. His wheezing breath, increasingly beady eyes and loud snores were definitely not doing him any favours in the attraction department. She had since moved fully into the guest room. He had managed to coerce her to bed on their anniversary last week, but he had gotten all excited and things had quickly gone south very fast. His latest weakness had chosen that moment to show up. Weak stomach muscles. A sound had escaped his backside. It was a terrifying sound in the nightly stillness only punctuated by the sounds of desire and need. It had been more of the booming sound than the smell really, more thunder than lightening.

She had excused herself , and stalked off to the guestroom in a huff. He had been left stewing in the afterglow of rejection and remnant echoes of the fart in his head. So dear petitioner, you are not alone, he thought to himself. His own wife too related to him conjugally at will, and her will was much, much overly seldom.

Judge Francis dragged his thoughts painfully away from his situation at home. The case before him was unique in its novelty. A woman suing another woman, to retrieve her properties and land titles with the other woman. This was different though, the other woman was a spouse to the first woman, Yes Sir! She was her wife, yet both were heterosexuals. Many cases had been decided in Judge Francis's court over the months, but this was different. Two spouses, each at different ends of the age spectrum, one quite old whilst the other was quite young. This was even more seldom than the Judge's conjugal nights.

In some sections of the Igbo speaking areas, there are certain customs/norms that persist to the current day. One of which was woman to woman marriage. A woman without children was within her rights to marry another woman into her home like the case before Judge Francis. The marriage was usually conducted under the guise that the younger bride was being wed to the late husband of the older woman, but everyone knew the older woman as the defacto husband of the bride and was to care for and protect her as well as the expected off-spring till errrrrrr 'death did them part'.

Sometimes an old couple could lose their son or sons prematurely. Prematurely referred to their death being before having their own offspring, especially male so as to keep the family's name from going extinct. Judge Francis had long come to the conclusion that the Igbo culture was obsessed with the male child. In some cases , the couple or the wife would initiate wedding to some young woman of their choice who will be expected to reproduce male children. The marriage was usually contracted traditionally and was not a common law marriage. In the case of late sons, the bride is highlighted as being wed to the deceased son, but in reality only wed to the old woman who performs the role of parent to the resulting children from the union.

The petitioner had alleged that the respondent had rebelled against her choice of lovers for her and subsequently ran away with sundry gift items and other documents of title. The petitioner had married her on a platter with a very cheap dowry, as she was already expectant for an unknown father. She had been impregnated from an act of rape and her family had been very ashamed and highly desirous to give her away and cleanse their family name. At such times, the appearance of the 'female husband', to marry the seeming 'damaged goods', was a lifeline for the family and win-win situation for all.

The family married off their daughter who had been unfortunate, whilst the petitioner had gained a bride with a promise of children in the future, who will keep the family name going as well as ensure the compound retained a human presence and didn't fall into ruin. It was common to have young men virtually stalking the female husbands. They offer to run errands and undertake tasks for her. They also help to cultivate their farmlands and often worked shirtless, so their strong muscles and toned torsos will be viewed. The female husband would reciprocate in kind and bestow her bride to her different choices, on different days and for different reasons.

Judge Francis was angered at the copious levels of copulation being bandied around freely while he was getting none. The sudden effort to keep his grimace from spreading produced another effect. He broke wind. His weak stomach muscles betrayed him yet again. This one had a malevolent odour to it. Clearly more lightening than thunder. Judge Francis squeezed his facial features taut and stared down the court clerk who sat directly in front of him and had been bearing the brunt of the relentless gas discharges since three months now that he resumed. His serious face and frowning eyes dared the clerk to look in his direction again. The clerk lowered his eyes.

The Judge felt for the poor clerk. He was the sixth clerk since the Judge resumed in High Court 8, two years ago. 4 of the previous clerks had been driven to resignation by the relentless gas. The fifth had been sacked for contempt, yet over gas related matters. He turned up to work one Monday in a gas mask! Sometimes the gas was released gently, diffusing through the Judge's weakened trouser fabrics towards the clerk, who sat immediately below the Judge. Times, it came with a shudder and was all the Judge could do from keeping his poor trousers disintegrating at the seams. The clerk had so far borne the brunt with dignity, but the Judge daily wondered for how much longer. The ceiling fans ensured the odours, no matter how dreary, diffused fast and barely reached where the attorneys and sundry members of the public sat.

Sometimes Judge Francis got a kick and an inner chuckle as the lawyers and those  sat close to them exchanged suspicious glances over the more smelly versions which seeped towards them. They often stared disapprovingly at the men blessed with extended and massive stomachs or some of the female attorneys with rather bogus derrieres. Why they associated wide hips and bulbous backsides with ungraceful release of gas, the Judge couldn't fathom , after all he was a man of slim build with rather narrow hips.

The Judge struck out the case and fined the petitioner as well as the respondent and cross-petitioner, N5,000 each for wrong filing.' Such cases are not for the common law system but should be referred to the customary court. The marriage was contracted traditionally and so all such properties as may have been purchased, bequeathed within that period was still under the customary law system and was to be determined there', he read.

"As the court pleases", they all chorused whilst scrambling to their feet as the Judge made his  way to the chambers behind. In Chambers , the Judge brought out a pill from the tiny box, handed him earlier by the doctor. He swallowed with a glass of water. The instruction was to take at least an hour before any planned conjugal liaison. His home was just thirty minutes away. He had texted his wife earlier that he would be home soon and to wear her best negligee. He had then sent the driver to buy chocolates and a bottle of wine. He was to take the other pills for gas twenty minutes before. An sms came in to the mobile as the driver drove off. She had replied that she was attending the late neighbour's wake keep and wouldn't be home till the morning. The Judge himself was also being expected at the wake keep. Most seldom indeed the Judge thought, coitus interrupted before even began. Hmmn, he sighed.

Nnamdi Wabara, 2016.